For years I have marveled at stand-up comedians and their delight in recalling a night when they completely bombed on stage. Being on stage in front of a crowd of people who are not laughing at your jokes and are instead booing, or even leaving, sounds truly awful to me. But I have heard countless comedians talk about this experience with such glee that I assumed they must just be different from the rest of us.
What I recently realized is they are no different from the rest of us, they simply have truly embraced what it means to be a stand-up: some nights will go great and the crowd will laugh and clap, and other nights will be the exact opposite. I would imagine that in order to stay loose and relaxed on stage, they need to do that. It’s pretty hard to be funny if you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect and always well received. So, to relax into their routine, they have learned to accept and embrace the stellar nights of applause and the not so stellar nights of boos. Both are great to them, neither one is bad.
So how in the world does this relate to brain and nervous system retraining? One of the topics that comes up on a regular basis in group classes and individual coaching is ebbs. When I speak to the non-linear nature of the rewiring process, aka the ebb and flow of recovery, I know that this is not new information for the person I am speaking with. Anyone that has been doing this work for more than a few weeks, is usually familiar with the fact that it is an up and down process. They often know that ebbs are normal and to be expected while rewiring.
All that being said, it’s common that there is a lot of fear and resistance that comes up with an ebb and that commonly pulls the person into fix-it mode and trying to make the ebb go away or into shutdown/freeze and feeling hopeless and helpless. If we all understand that ebbs are a normal part of the process, then why does that happen? I think this is because we often do not go beyond understanding ebbs from an intellectual standpoint to truly embracing them as part of healing process. We all know it’s a normal part of the recovery process, but we still label it as bad when it happens to us and resist it.
And that’s where the example of the stand-up comedians comes in. They truly embrace “bad” sets and being booed off stage because they know it’s part of being a comedian and helps them grow their craft. They understand there is actually good that comes from having a "bad" set. There is so much we can learn from that approach. Seeing ebbs as a natural part of the process and not something bad that is to be avoided or resisted. Granted, going into an ebb can be much more uncomfortable than dealing with the embarrassment of not getting applause while performing, but the more we can soften into the experience and truly move beyond just understanding it from an intellectual standpoint, the better. Just like it’s hard to be funny when you are tense and afraid of the set not going well, it’s challenging to relax into the ebb and flow of recovery when we are bracing and resisting the ebbs that will naturally happen. It’s also a lot more difficult to convince the brain and nervous system that we are safe in an ebb if we view ebbs as bad and are actively resisting the experience, instead of seeing them as a stepping stone to the next level of wellness.
The next time an ebb arises, ask yourself how you would approach it if you moved beyond understanding ebbs from an intellectual standpoint and moved into truly embracing them as a natural and important part of the recovery process. Doing that allows us to soften into the experience, even though it’s not enjoyable (understatement of the century) and let our brain and nervous system know we are safe in the ebb. This softening has big impact on our thinking, emotional and behavior patterns, which also helps to send that message of safety to the brain and nervous system.
Want to learn more about truly embracing ebbs and other things you can do to support your recovery?
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I do struggle to get this from concept into true acceptance of what is, of where I am at. That need for (more) rest. Of helping my body to feel safe throughout the day. It's a challenge, especially after many years of ebbs ... and practicing brain retraining.
Thank you for this, Connie. Whenever I just say the word "Soften" to myself, it has a magical ripple effect through my whole body. Thank you for continuing to remind us of its power.
Such a good reminder Connie- applying it to the ebbs in mold detox recovery - things wax and wane - needed to hear this today - thanks and blessings, Patty
I love all the blog posts and this one helps me a lot. The last part is wonderful! Thank you Connie
The visuals on this one are amazing. They really helped this verbal person "feel" what you are communicating rather than merely storying the information--once again--immediately in the cognitive only information tile. Thank you!!!